Follow the Scandinavian Pride Fighter Joachim Hansen during 7 days between 16/10 and 22/10

Monday

Came home from a dark secret mission in Denmark landed on Oslo airport about 15.00. Having some coffee, I didn’t have any food at home so I took my car went to this eating-place where they serve workingman’s food. I had some steak, potatoes and soda pop, went home listened to Motorhead for 3 hours. Eating some bananas and drinking chocolate milk then went to training to do weights till 9 o’clock. My back, chin pulls and some kind of lower back dead lifts driving the training in exactly 23 minutes. Took shower went home. Chatted on Internet with my US friend about MMA until 4 in the morning. Went to sleep after that.

Tuesday

Woke up 13.30, forgot to buy food yesterday, went to my parents place, eat some food there, went to my old work place, borrowed a van filled it with judo mats of 64 square metres, went to town, had a meeting with some sponsors, drank coffee. Went to training, Big Marcus, Don-King-Marcus and me, Handsome-Hansen, were carrying all the mats up 3 floors putting the judo mats on the floor in one of the 3 boxing rings that are there, on top of the other mats because they are dirty not healthy to grapple on, can get horrible skin disease. Did boxing, GnP [Ground and pound], mitts and grappling, an easy training session. Was pretty tired after that trip to Denmark, meet the guy I borrowed the van from, went home spoke with my friend from the states till 4 o clock, went to sleep.

Let me tell you about my coach Marcus Jacobsen. He has been my trainer since I fought Olof Inger in Finnfight 5. Marcus was beating me up in training every day since 2001 till 2004. In 2004 I was good enough to take his back so he stopped sparring with me. Marcus is the only guy has knocked me out two times…

Knock out nr 1: like this one time I had this liver disease, my liver was infected with a virus and I was very sick, but Marcus made me train anyway. We where doing boxing sparring when suddenly Marcus punched me with all off his power straight in my sick liver, I was down on the floor twisting in pain.

Knock out nr 2: another time Marcus made me do vale tudo sparring 9 o’clock in the morning. I was disorientated and out of focus. I told Marcus I felt tired, he told me to relax and spar easy and then he suddenly knees me in the face with full power. I was sleeping on the floor. Even thou Marcus has beaten me, knocked me out and made me suffer inhuman training for countless hours, he is my friend and the best trainer I could ever have. He is always there for me in moment of victory or defeat.

Wednesday

Woke up about 13.30. Showered, went straight out, ate some food at my parents place. Ate 2 slices of bread with tomato and fish. Drank coffee and weight gainer. Went to a control with my car. I drive a 1990 model Mazda, a red one. Red… as the blood of my enemies! Had to pay 600 kronor for the control my credit card didn’t work. Have to go back tomorrow (Thursday). Went home to pick up my training gear. Went to Ørnulf Boxing Club for some easy training: warm-up, 3 rounds of shadowboxing and 3 rounds of infighting (rapid body shots, short uppercuts and hooks, tight guard). Sparred with a guy named Pippi. Showered, went to the shop, bought a Coca Cola. Went to my mother and fathers place ate some more fish and potatoes that my mother made for me. Went to see some friends, Tommy and Cicilie. Played pinball on their laptop and left their place at 11.30. Went to my parents place again to eat (6 slices of bread with fish), they were sleeping. A thought passed trough my mind, “Go to the shop tomorrow and buy your own food, this is so low”. Went home, ate some chewing gum. Went to bed 3 o’clock, preparing for tomorrows training – a hard MMA pass.

Thursday

Woke up at 13.15 showered, got in to my killmobil went to this eating place where the food costs only 40 kronor (1 Norwegian krona is like 10 Swedish kronor, so no Swedish people to be seen there J). Ate lasagne and drank soda pop, went for a coffee at an Internet cafe, I paid 18 kronor for the coffee. Went to the garage and paid what I owned. Went to meet Frank Lystad 18.30 for some technique training. Frank will fight in Cage Challenge in Stockholm this Saturday, we went through some basic vale tudo stuff for about one hour, then hard MMA training with Thomas Hytten, Simion Thoresen, Flemming Hansen (my brother), Big Marcus and Don King Marcus.

Shadow boxing 1 round, grappling guard pass 3 rounds 5 min, 1 min brake, 4 rounds 5 min Thai clinch with belly belts, boxing gloves and take downs, 1 min brake, 1 round vale tudo, 5 min, 1 min brake, 1 round 5 min Thai mits, 10 min grappling.

Flemming and Thomas is on the floor, their sweat smelt like alcohol, Marcus is pissed of at me, “you are not Ramon Dekker, don’t hit the pads like that like that”.

… Up yours Marcus, ill hit the pads as hard as I want!!!

Hitting the shower. Me and Flemming visited our mother and father, we all drink tea and watch Ramon Dekker and Mike Tyson highlights on the computer.

Flemming (64 kg) thinks he is a peaceful urban hippie, but when we spar his eyes turns dark and it looks like he really enjoys hurting me. Today he kicked me with full power straight in my hipbone. I am limping now

Then I drive Flemming home to his hippie apartment, giving him a big box of creatin powder before he leaves my car. “Eat this and gain some weight,” I tell him. He smiles and says good night… Gain some weight so I don’t have to feel bad next time I pound your inner organs into a red pail of mud!

I went home to my apartment. Talked to my American friend on the Internet about heavy metal and MMA when I just remembered that I went to the shop today. I have milk, juce, bread, ham and bananas at home, so this night I can go to bed without an empty belly!

Tomorrow Frank and me will enter hostile territory… well… at 3 o’clock. To feast and then go to bed.

Friday

Waking up early today (3 o’clock in the afternoon). Ate 2 slices of bread with ham, 1 banana, 1 cup of coffee. Packed my bag for Sweden. Went to see my mother and she made me tacos. Had one coke and kissed my mother goodbye.

Waited for Frank to pick me up…

Frank Lystad is a 37 years old Kyokushinkai Karate fighter from Godforsaken town in Norway called Honefoss. He will fight in Cage Challenge against Blazej Macieszonek from Hilti Sweden. Frank picked me up at 17.30 with his car, a Golf 1991 model also red, red like the flames of Hades…

Frank tells me to bring some music for the 6 hours long trip to Stockholm. I bring Helloween, Blind Guardian, AC/DC, Motorhead, Accept, Demon, Wisards, Iced Earth, Manowar, Slayer, and the dark sound of John Denver. This trip is going to go as fast as the double bass drum solo on Angel of Death!

Sweden… the land of the midnight sun, the land of the highly addictive energy drink Red Bull (I can’t wait to get one! Red Bull is strictly forbidden in clean healthy Norway). Sweden is also ruled under the iron heel of the dark high priest Bosse Ringholm, a leader of an occult “Tulsadoom-religion”, better known as the politician of Swedish Social Democratic party. He has banned off all MMA in Sweden.

Soon we cross the border to Sweden the sunlight turns dim, the sky turns dark and the letters on the road signs look wicked. We both know we will live this land in victory or death. 22.00 we stop at a hamburger shop in Karlstad. 25.30 finally we check in at the hotel in Solna, Stockholm. 6 in the morning I took 2 beers from the mini bar, then I go to sleep. Tomorrow it’s war.

Saturday

Woke up at 11.30 went to eat pasta and bread, went to Solnahallen. True Swedish MMA fans are already starting to fill up the hall. Frank has the second fight. 3.15 we start the warm-up… His opponent fighting out the feared Hilti MMA Team, is a Czech barbarian named Blazej Macieszonek, is standing in a darkened corner, watching us with dreadful eyes.

Frank Lystad vs. Blazej Macieszonek

Frank walks down the catwalk; the roar of the crowd breaks the silence.

Fearless Frank enters the cage. 15.36.

The bell rings. BANG!!! Frank lands a left a powerful left low kick, the sound of the impact makes the spectators gaze in total silence! Blazej takes two steps back… Frank closes the gap, keeping his chin down and his guard as tight as a virgin. Blazej throws some blows but without any effect, then Blazej goes for the takedown, like an iron horse he runs Frank in to the cage wall, standing with his back to the cage Frank tries to hold his balance… But the Czech panzer-machine got the double under hooks and a with perfect leg trip they both tumble to the ground. Frank is now under in half guard pinned in to the cage and Blazejs corner is instructing him to pass to side mount. Blazej not capable of getting his leg free starts to throw heavy body blows straight to Frank’s kidneys. You can hear the crowd count the punches…

44, 45, 46…

Frank just laughs as bell rings for the end of the round.

Its Blazej who is closing the gap now, looking for another takedown but Frank is well aware of that. Blazej shoots! Running Frank into the cage wall again, Frank ends up standing with his back to the cage, they both have the over and under hooks… Blazej looking desperate and breathing heavy… Not able to take Frank down this time, Blazej lands a powerful knee (Muay Thai style) straight in Frank’s testicals! Frank screams in anger and agony, the crowd is stunned! The judge breaks the fight and calls for timeout! IS BLAZEJ TRYING TO BUY HIM SELFES SOME TIME? I’m not saying that he did but Blazej is old enough to know were a man keeps his testicals.

I ask Frank if I should throw in the towel he just looks at me like a killer and I understand! After a 7 second timeout Frank is ready to fight again, Not even the intense pain from his damage groin will stop him now! Blazej closes the gap looking for the Thai clinch, (is he looking to land another knee?)…. Frank sidesteps and lands one of the most brutal left hooks I’ve ever witnessed, straight in Blazej right ear. Blazej tumble like a drunken sailor trying to retain his balance. Frank rush after him to end the fight… At the same time Blazej shots for a double leg. Frank hits the ground headfirst! Blazej lands in topside mount and goes straight for the armbar. Frank struggles get his arm free but the arm lock is tight. Not willing to break his arm (cuz he needs both his arms to drive his car all the way to Oslo later this night!) Frank taps out. Blazej and Hilti stand victorious.

8.40, right after Johan “Rocco” Antonsen has pounded his opponent into dust, we leave for Oslo. 11.00 we stop near Karlstad. I eat pyttipanna. Frank eats a hamburger telling me he lost one battle, but not the war and that he cant wait to fight again. Frank drops me off at my apartment 3.15. At 4.00 I go to sleep.

Sunday

Woke up 15.00. Ate two slices of bread with ham and drank coffee. The reason we left Stockholm right after the fight is because I am supposed to meet this girl today – a heartbreaking asskicking half Korean one. Her sweetness makes pure sugar taste like sand. 16.00 I call her, but for some mysterious reason her phone is turned off (I’m not calling twice. I bend my knees to no one – not men, beasts or good-looking half Korean 19 year old women).

17.00 Marcus Jacobsen and my brother Flemming call me and ask if I’m coming to train MMA. I tell them I’m tired after the trip to Sweden. 18.00 I do some weight training. I do my back, chins, pull downs with triangle grip and lower back dead lift. The pass takes 25 min. 19.30 I go to see my friend Jorn, a 34-year-old truck driver who almost got himself killed in a motorcycle accident 4 years ago. He was 4 weeks in a coma and now he lives in a basement apartment. Jorn is on the couch watching Star wars, drinking coca-cola from a 1 and a half litre bottle. He tells me that planet earth is a prison planet and that earth is hell and the only way to escape is being nice to other people so that your soul can go to heaven when you die. I tell him that early Christians believed in reincarnation but the roman church saw it as treachery. Jorn tells me he wants to work as a truck driver in Africa… Luke Skywalker is being trained by Yoda on the TV, he should been trained by Jacobsen. Luke wouldn’t last a week…

I’m home 23.00. 23.30 I eat some spaghetti and watching some Simpson episodes. 2.30 I go to bed thinking that I hope Pride will call me soon, telling me I have a fight – hopefully against my nemesis… Takanori Gomi.